Freitag, 12. November 2010

Proverb 6: The Grizzly Bear Rule

Posted on August 30, 2010 by Solomon II


You do not owe a traditional wedding to any woman who cannot give you a traditional honeymoon.

Each and every day I commit a social crime. I have the audacity to be a 31 year old healthy man with a good job, a modest condo in the financial district, an Infinity G convertible and a desirable debt-to-income ratio. The crime? I had dated the same 28 year old woman for nearly 11 months and hadn’t shown any signs of being ready to “take the next step”.

The Femcops were hot on my trail, too. I had to hear about it from my mother, both of my sisters, my female coworkers, the princess herself, and many of her friends.

Now I wouldn’t have taken so much offense to this scenario if it were framed differently. If my girlfriend simply “wanted” to take the next step, that would be one thing. I still wouldn’t have done it, but I would have understood. Instead, she and her troop of Femcops insisted she “deserved” it and that I owed it to her since she was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I’d been awarded the pleasure of her company. Of course scores of other men had known the pleasure of her company for as little as three shots of tequila and two Miller Lites – but in recent months she’d upped her asking price to compensate for her biological clock.

Her entitlement monkey got a karmic kick to the balls.

We all know what traditional marriage means in a post agricultural world. It means that in order to ensure the son who inherits your land is really your offspring, women offer you a clean, dedicated womb to impregnate. In exchange for her contribution, you make sure she doesn’t starve to death or get carried away by a grizzly bear.

Kind of outdated huh? I agree. With the advent of the pill, condoms, and DNA testing, a man can reasonably assume that he is the father of a child even if his woman has been with three dozen men before him. In addition, we also don’t grow our own food anymore, so having a large family to work the farm isn’t of any real importance.

Marriage has outlived its usefulness, yet many women demand it in order to continue having sex with a man. They want it, need it, and fantasize about it to the extent that they can only feel loved, needed and sexually fulfilled when marriage – or the promise thereof – is present.

In essence, marriage is a fetish.

So the next time some broad shames you for not honoring the tradition of marriage, feel free to shame her for not honoring the tradition of chastity. If she comes back at you with the usual “you’re not a virgin either” argument, simply remind her that virginity is not part of the traditional bargain for men. Tell her to come back when she’s a virgin and you’ll marry her and protect her from grizzly bears.

SUGGESTED READING: Don’t Get Married by Chateau

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